Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse – The Definitive Guide (NOT)
Tyler’s Note: This guy really bothers me. I’m contacting my attorney to see what he has to say about this. I mean encouraging you meat bags to get creative in how you kill zombies…well…that’s just rude and I’m sure it violates my rights some how. As soon as I can find my other leg, I’m going to hobble over there and have a chat. And, that Matt Randall guy is ticking me off, too. I hear he’s been teaching his students zombie killing skills again. I would say that I’m going to give him a piece of my mind, but I really want eat a piece of his.
By Scott C Storvik
Do you have what it takes to survive in a world that has been overrun with ravenous, flesh-eating zombies? Do you have the intestinal fortitude required to swing the axe or pull the trigger so that you can preserve your rightful place at the top of the food chain and keep the world from being completely engulfed in a full on Zombie Apocalypse? I bet you probably don’t. Well, these are a few tips to help you survive at least a week or two.
This is probably the most important when it comes to surviving the Zombie Plague. Maintaining good health will keep you alive and in a positive frame of mind. It will keep you focused on the task at hand, which is the complete and utter destruction of the vast zombie hoards that will spring up seemingly out of nowhere in the next 5 to 10 years. Here are a few points to ponder for your over-all health:
• Eat plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables. Zombies hate the taste of fresh vegetables in human flesh. Vegetables and fruit are completely the opposite of what zombies want in there diet. They want MEAT, and that is why they are chasing you in the first place.
• Keep your cardio and stamina at peak levels. Contrary to what you may have seen in horror movies, zombies can move impossibly fast. You would think that when you break it’s legs it would slow it down, but that is not the case. You see, because zombies are, for all intents and purposes, dead, they feel no pain. Breaking the appendages of zombies only makes them angrier and hungrier, and when they get hungry, they want meat (see first point). So they are going to chase you until they get you or something else that is equally meaty. Your friend perhaps? So, you want to keep your cardio up by constant exercise, and jogging. If you have access to a treadmill, all the better.
• Drink your milk. Strong bones are a crucial element to zombie survival. With strong bones you can take the bumps that inevitably come with running from a pack of zombies. If you happen to trip, and roll helplessly down a hill, you stand less of a chance of breaking a vital bone, thereby making yourself an easy target for zombies.
When it comes to a zombie apocalypse, you need to keep one thing in mind: kill or be killed. Zombies are mindless killing machines that will stop at nothing to feed there eternal hunger. You would also be wise to keep in mind that biting you is there way to propagate the species, so…
• Don’t be afraid to fire! Keep in mind, the zombies sole intention is eating. It has nothing else to offer society but consumption, so if you have the chance at the shot, take it. There are no bad shots if you hit him, just make sure that they are dead. (see next point)
• Shoot Twice. Zombies can only be destroyed be separating there heads from there bodies, or by destroying whatever brain they have left. If the zombie down, carefully and cautiously approach the fallen zombie, place your 12 gauge to its ugly head and pull the trigger. That will end the zombie once and for all.
• Have some style! Creativity is not important in zombie survival, but it sure helps to kill the boredom. You can only kill a zombie in so many ways before tire of the same old thing. Mix it up a bit. Set some traps, use different calibers, rely on your training from Road Runner cartoons, try to make it Fun!
These are just a few points to ponder for the next few years. It will come. Zombies are already here, they are just not hungry yet. But when they do become hungry, you will be ready.
*This is a work of fiction cleverly disguised as a self-help guide. Zombies don’t exist, and I don’t endorse the flagrant firearms violations depicted in my story. If I have offended anyone, well, whatever.
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