Be a Zombie

How would you like to become a zombie like me?

Check out my before and after photos.

As you can obviously see, I was once a living, breathing human (and, quite handsome I do say) just like you, until one day when I was bitten by another zombie.  That’s a story for another post.

You can be a zombie, too.

There are two ways:

1. You can give me your address and a I will come over and chew on your arm, leg, face, or whatever looks tasty.

2. Or, you can send me your photo (headshot only) and I will turn it into a professional zombie photo for you.

My services aren’t free, though.  Even zombies have to make a living somehow.  Since they won’t let me work at Wal-Mart, I have to survive on internet sales.  (Discrimination lawsuit is pending)

For just $20 I will:

• turn your photo into a zombie headshot
• send you the file in high quality format

For another $10 I will write a short zombie story about you and include you as one of my friends in the blog.

Here’s how it works:

Purchase your items securely through Paypal by using the link below:

ZOMBIE HEADSHOT ONLY – $20

ZOMBIE HEADSHOT AND STORY – $30

When your payment is received, I will send you a link to submit your photo.

Please make sure that you make your payment using the email address you want me to send the link to (like DUH!).

Welcome to my zombie family and thank you for your support,

Tyler

The Walking Dead app

Have you seen the show ‘The Walking Dead’ yet?

Well, personally I don’t think it’s that funny.  I mean it shows all of my friends being killed (again) by these pathetic people attempting to avoid the unavoidable.  Luckily a few are turned into fellow zombies by my friends as well.  Sometimes we get to chow down on a nice plump one (buffet), but that’s getting off the subject.

And, now there is an app you can get in iTunes based on the show.  It shows you how to shoot zombies.  That really ticks me off!

I am officially asking all my followers to boycott the show, the game, and the app.  All my fellow zombies agree that it doesn’t present us in a favorable light and even though we are slowly winning the war, it gives people hope.  That can be very dangerous.

The end is inevitable.  People should just lay down and prepare to become lunch (or dinner).  It would save us all so much time and trouble.

Zombies like pets, too!

Zombie Tyler, here again.

Winter is coming and that means that people will be staying inside more.  I really hate that.  It cuts down on my food supply.

Sometimes when I get a little hungry and depressed I can find a stray cat or dog to chew on.  It’s not that bad.  Tastes like chicken.

So, finally, my EX-friend, Mr. Security, has a product I can agree with.  It’s this pet blinker thingy that you attach to your pet’s collar.  I like it because my vision isn’t so good at night anymore since I have only one good eye left.

Well, anyway, when people attach these blinking lights to their dog’s or cat’s collar it is supposed to make it easier for cars to see them at night.  It blinks on and off in a bunch of different colors and looks really cool.

Ok, so there are pros and cons to this.  When the cars can’t see your pet and run them over it makes it easier for me to grab a quick snack on some roadkill or even a distraught motorist!!!  Bonus points for me.  The con is that these blinking lights make it easier for cars to avoid hitting your pet, but they also make it easier for me to see them at night.  That makes hunting a little better with my one good eye.  Pros and cons all around.  In the end, if everybody had one of these pet blinkers on their dog or cat it wouldn’t wreck my day.  Now, if all the owners had one on when they were out at night, that would really do it for me.

So, here is my advice…buy two of these thingys, one for you and one for your dog.  It will keep you from getting hit by cars.  Spend a lot of time walking your pet at night, especially when its really dark.

Hey, I’m just saying…do a hungry zombie a favor.

Zombie tip of the Day: The Pros and Cons of Living in rural areas and the cities

Living in Rural areas:

The benefits of living in small towns and farm areas are smaller zombie population, higher chance of finding hunting equipment, and areas to grow crops in relative safety. Farm Country does not have the high numbers of people like the big cities, which allows fewer people to become infected. Many people in these areas hunt so they would most likely have a hunting rifle or shotgun, and there’ll be lots of gun shops with ammo. With the few zombies in the area and expanse fields and woods, rural places provide a place to settle down and make a farm to keep fed.

The disadvantages would be low supply of readily made food and other supplies that could be greatly depleted in short time, more people would have survived because of guns and ammo and maybe hostile,

Katie’s Zombies:

Zombie Tip of the Day: Turn up the Music

I’m surprised I haven’t seen other tips like this. In the episode of the Walking Dead in Season 1 where they are in that traffic jam on the highway, they turn on a car and the emergency broadcast starts playing. If that broadcast is still going, then the tower and station would still have power, most likely renewable. If they could find where this tower and station was then they can set up base there and tap into it’s power or whatever is powering it like a dam, or windmill, or whatever. No need to huddle around candles in a small house in the harsh winter while they could be relaxing in a station with central heating or A/C and send signals to other people, telling them it’s safe where they are. So long to the dark ages and hello to electricity.

Zombie Tip of the day: Be Fit or Be Bit

Paul is a great example of this tip. He wasn’t a very athletic person so he lacked the stamina and speed to get away fast enough. He was barely going faster than his pursuers and was made a delicacy very quickly.

You want to be fit so you can out run either a single zombie or an entire horde. We don’t tire so you have to be able to keep a good pace to avoid being a tasty meal for me and my friends. And being fit will definitely cut down on how much food you intake, saving more for later.

If you can out run us, you have a good chance of out living us.

Zombie Tip of the day: Never go to the John Alone

I cannot begin to tell you how many poor souls I’ve caught with their pants down in a restroom,  porta-potty, in the bushes. You always want to go with a partner, just to make sure me or any other zombies don’t come out of the woods, or under a stall.

This one time, a guy had stopped on the side of the road and I just happened to be wandering the woods at that time. He didn’t bring anyone else from the car with him which was a big mistake. As he was just finishing up his business, I bit down on his neck, guy didn’t know what hit him. He almost killed me and would have if he didn’t pass out from blood loss within a few seconds.

Another time, I ran into a group scavenging for supplies in a super market and one of them had to take a leak. Now this guy did have somebody watch the door, but he wasn’t the most observant. I sneaked up to his partner and got him in the arm as he stood leaning against the wall. When I startled him he fell and cracked his head open on a shelf and got knocked out. I ate him for a while until his buddy came out. He tried to bash my head in with a fire extinguisher but knocked him to the ground and we wrestled, biting him all over, until he lost to much blood and died.

So moral of the story, have a bathroom buddy that is observant.

Trailer Park Zombie James

This undead hunk of white trash, formerly known as James, spends his endless days roaming a small trailer park in the rural part of town. He got off from a late night of trucking goods around to come home to a trailer park full of raging, flesh hungry zombies. He killed some of my kin before was swarmed by his neighbors. Now he hangs out at a gas station, roaming the beer aisles, wishing he could crack open a cold one, one more time.

He needs to stop!

Who the heck does my ex-friend, Survivor Sam, think he is?

Now he’s telling everyone about Mr. Security’s safety products.

I’m really getting upset.

I mean if he keeps this up, everyone will be prepared for the rising zombie apocalypse.

They will all have hidden cameras, door alarms, and zombie repellent.

When I catch Sam, he’s gonna pay!!!!

And, If I can get my one good hand on that Mr. Security guy, I’m gonna bite his leg off.

The last thing I need is for every woman out there to carry one of those wicked cool Hot Pink TASERS.

Those things really mess with what’s left of my brain.

I hate Sam!