I love yard sales

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted in the blog, but I saw the post from Matt Randall’s Black Belt Academy about their yard sale today and couldn’t resist.

I love to go to yard sales.  Often there are such interesting items and I have a passion for antiques, mainly because the older people are slower and easier to catch when I’m hungry.

Sometimes, though, I just want a small snack and I’ll ask how much the kids are going for.  Why do people look at me so strangely when I ask?  They advertise ‘everything must go’???  If you aren’t selling the children, why are they there?  Is that just to tease my grumbling stomach?  And, when I ask a simple question, please don’t throw things at me and threaten to call the cops.  Some people can be so rude.

Last summer at a garage sale I tried to buy a 10 year old girl for lunch and a lady threw a toaster at me.  When I put my hand up to block, it ripped off my middle finger.  I still keep it in my pocket so I can pull it out and stick it up at people as I’m leaving.

So far, still no luck on the Zombie Anti-Discrimination Act I sent to Congress.  And, my congressman hasn’t even replied.  Looks like he won’t get my vote next session.  And, at the voting booth they keep trying to tell me I can’t vote because I’m dead.  I try to explain that i’m ‘undead’, but they don’t care.  Just another reason we need that legislation passed.  Please write your congressman and ask them to pass my bill.  Thanks.

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Zombie Tip of the Day: Ringing the Dinner Bell

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So you’re out, either with your crew or by yourself, scavenging for supplies in a town when you come across a Super Market. It looks empty and ransacked but looks can be deceiving. You don’t know if there are any of my zombie friends chilling out in the freezer section comparing prices on months old spoiled milks or not.

Now you have a few options on how to approach this situation here.

You can either just walk right in and try to take out the loyal beyond death customers in a dark, close quarters area where you can easily be cornered and become the fresh new sale item in the Meat Department.

OR, you can draw them out to you and fight them in the open parking lot, rock their heads, and be on your merry way in no time with your groceries. Sounds better, right?

There’s all sorts of ways to can ring the dinner bell to get them running to you. You can fill a soda or soup can with rocks and shake it at the door or down the aisle. You can bang on a pot or tire rim, knock on the glass, whistle, call them names. Doesn’t matter, get creative. Either way, you need to get them out to you so figure out how you want to do it.

Once you’re in of course you still have to be on your guard, cause not many of of us have as good ears as we used to, if any at all left. So they might have not have come for supper and just stayed, trying to decide which brand of cereal would be tastier now as a zombie, Meatie-O’s, Brain Flakes, or Capt Munch. But once you take care of them and have cleared the whole building then you should be fine to check your grocery list and start shopping.

Zombie Survival Skills and Drills

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Emergency Survival Tips – Get Prepared for a Zombie Attack

ZombieTylerEmergency Survival Tips – Get Prepared for a Zombie Attack


By Josh Hewett

Whether or not you believe there will be an actual Zombie Apocalypse, being prepared will only increase your chances of surviving any number of other potentially life-threatening events. With increasing incidents of natural disasters, disease, social unrest, drug use, vaccinations, immunizations, genetically modified foods, chemical additives, power shortages, violent crime, and TV reality shows, it seems to me that it will only be a matter of time before we face a massive crisis of some kind.

In the end, when the ZA arrives, the zombies won’t give a sh*t if you believe in them or not! You’re either prepared, or you’re zombie food. The first step to being prepared is to know your enemy.

What are Zombies?

Zombies were people just like you and me, but who have somehow become transformed into mindless flesh-eating creatures. There are many theories of what zombies are, or what kind of zombies we will have the pleasure of dealing with at the next out-break, but history has given us some clues.

The first official record of “undead zombies” was in November of 2000, and was caused by the mutated cross-gene virus known as (nvCJD/BF) Bird flu / CJD. New variant Creutzfeldt – Jakob disease. Apparently, this virus evolved from a cross-mutation of the mad cow virus and the bird flu, and began infecting humans throughout the United Kingdom. Victims would essentially “die” after being infected with this virus, and their corpses would become reanimated as aggressive, hungry zombies. Although widely reported at the time, this zombie scourge was kept a secret by certain government and military intelligence agencies, and the media and witnesses were silenced.

There have been other reports of massive zombie outbreaks due to radiation poisoning, military experimentation with biological weapons, consumption of certain drug or chemical agents, and other viral infections. In almost all cases there was a government cover-up involved. In most cases the victims become violently ill within hours before falling into a deep coma, only to awaken as “zombies”. Although physical and mental ability may vary depending on the cause of the “infection”, a zombie typically loses the capacity for higher level functioning, and acts on basic brain-stem impulses, including:

• Alertness

• Arousal

• Feeding and hunger

• Breathing

• Digestion

• Other Autonomic Functions

So although some zombies may move faster than others, typically as the zombification process progresses the zombie will become slower and lose agility / mobility. Fortunately this makes them easier to escape than an average human predator. However, be aware that zombies don’t get tired or feel pain, they often travel in packs, and they will attack with animal-like ferocity. They are also difficult to kill as most organs have ceased functioning and they are driven by primal impulses from their brain-stem carried through the body’s nervous system. The only proven way to destroy a zombie is to destroy their brain.

How to Survive a Zombie Attack

There are a number of considerations to increase your chances of surviving an attack from a zombie horde, including shelter, food and supplies, weapons, team-building, and training. There are a number of other resources available which discuss weapons and supplies more in-depth, so for the sake of efficiency we will only briefly review them. The focus of this report will be on your training.

Training

Chances are at some point you will come face to face with a zombie. Weaponry is important, but your most valuable asset is your own body. This is when the saying “survival of the fittest” takes on literal significance. Everything else being equal, those with greater strength, fitness, and mental toughness will survive the longest. To stay physically ready for such an event requires adherence to an effective training and nutrition plan. To get you started on the right track, this article will describe 4 Survival Exercises to begin incorporating into your current workouts.

Even if you’re well-armed, the time will come when you will need to be able to run, jump, climb, fight, and crawl in order to survive a zombie attack. This will require strength, stamina, and power. These four exercises are a great start to developing these attributes.

Box Jumps

This is an explosive lower body exercise that can help you jump up onto, or over, obstacles that zombies will not be able to navigate. Box jumps and jump squats also have a carry-over into other movements, such as Muscle-Ups. To get over a high fence or to get on top of a shed, balcony, or garage, you may first need to be able to jump up to get a hold on top before you can pull yourself up and onto it.

Progressively increase the height of the box or platform you can jump up onto, and remember that the box jump involves your full body; lean forward before you jump and extend your entire body powerfully as you jump, while incorporating a dynamic arm swing.

Tire Hammer Slams

There are several variations of sledgehammer tire slams, but the same basic principles are involved. Use a rotational swing as you come down, back, and around the body with the hammer. Extend at the top of the swing, then flex your entire body forward into the swing (depending on which direction you’re swinging). Work with the hammer, rather than fighting it… momentum is your friend here. Also practice swinging from both sides, and with just one arm… you need to be prepared if you end up losing an arm to one of these beasts.

Similar technique applies to other weapons such as baseball bats, golf clubs, axes, steel bars, etc. Learn to use what you have available to you in your immediate surroundings.

HIIT and Sprint Work

To escape zombies a certain level of conditioning is necessary, but long, slow cardiovascular exercise is a waste of time. Zombies don’t get tired. Being able to jog long distances is especially useless when confronted by a horde of zombies. You need speed and agility to escape in these situations. You better be able to run fast, then pace yourself as needed, and then back into a sprint without fatiguing.

The key is to employ High Intensity Interval Training and sprint work. Your interval training / sprint workouts should not last longer than 20 minutes.

Muscle Ups and Progressions

The muscle up is a challenging upper body exercise that is usually performed explosively, however, advanced trainees are able to execute this movement with slow control as well. Once you develop the strength, power, and skill to do several muscle ups, you should have the ability to pull yourself up onto or over barriers, fences, and high obstacles. Quickly climbing ropes, ladders, and trees will become much easier as well.

Because the muscle up is such a difficult exercise to master, it will take some time to progressively work up to it.

If you consistently train these four exercises you will be far more likely to survive the zombie plague. However, these are just scratching the surface… to be turn yourself into a zombie-killing machine, and to become a true survivalist, you will need to follow a well-designed training program that includes “functional” exercises that have a high degree of carry-over to real life activities.

Your training program should include body weight training (ie: calisthenics-type exercises), implement training (ie: strongman-style ‘odd-implement’ training), and free weight exercises (ie: barbells and dumbbells). The exercise selection should be focused on compound, multi-joint movements, and should include some speed, power, and explosiveness training as well.

Shelter and Fortification

If you’re trapped at home when the Z-Day arrives, fortify your house as much as possible as quickly as possible. Remove the room doors on the inside of your house, and nail them over the main floor windows. Wedge chairs under the door handles of the outside doors and move heavy furniture and appliances in front of any possible points of entry. Turn off all lights (if you still have electricity) and stay as quiet as possible after that. Gather as much food, water and potential weaponry as possible to the most secure location in your house and wait.

If and when you are able, it is best to get out of any major city or heavily populated area, and find a secure location in a more isolated lodging outside of town. If you can’t get out of the city, look for a big department store such as Walmart or Costco. These typically have fewer entrances to barricade compared to a mall, and they will have an ample amount of food and supplies. This is a longer term solution, but the ultimate goal is to get out of any heavily populated area.

Supplies

Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. Put together a zombie survival kit in advance, and you won’t be running around an infested city trying to gather supplies! There are a number of sites that sell pre-prepared survival packs, but you can easily make your own.

You can also find prepared lists of supplies posted by other survivalists on Amazon.com.

In addition, stock up as much bottled water, canned food, and dried goods as possible to keep you well-fed as you sit out the first few weeks of the apocalypse. This is just a smart thing to do in preparation for black-outs, natural disasters, food shortages, or economic collapse.

Weaponry

Firearms are obviously the best weapons to have on hand when the zombies stumble into your town, but there are some practicalities to consider. First of all, how easy is it for you to purchase a gun where you live? If you reside in a more right-leaning state in the USA you shouldn’t have any issue picking up the firearm of your choice. If you are a member of any street gang worth it’s rep, I’m sure you’ll be able to arm yourself as well.

It is best to own at least one long range (ie: rifle) and one short range weapon (ie: shotgun or pistol). Then you need to consider licencing your weapon (usually) and learning how to use it properly. Given that you need a direct head-shot to kill a zombie, you will need to spend some time with target practice on the gun range. Simply owning a gun does not make you an expert marksman. Get prepared now. Of course, after the Day of the Dead arrives, anything goes! Loot and steal as many weapons and supplies as possible. The more epic the weapon the better… if you happen across a jeep-mounted machine gun (ala Rambo), grab it and have fun blowing the undead to bits!

Another limitation to consider with firearms is that you will likely run out of bullets before you run out of zombies to kill. Another solid alternative is a crossbow, because you can potentially re-use the arrows if you are able to retrieve them. However, this requires even more training than using a gun, and you can still run out of arrows. In any case it is wise to have several other melee weapons on hand such as a baseball bat, sledgehammer, axes, a shovel, crowbar, long blade knives,and a machete or sword if you can find one.

As mentioned earlier, you will also need to be ready to use any random objects around you as weapons if need be.

Team Building

Another key to survival is effective team building. This is part of the reason we assembled Team Barbarian. Ideally you can draw from a pool of friends with different skill-sets and backgrounds, such as medical, military, a chef, an engineer, a mechanic, a science buff, etc. You might also want to become buddies with that crazy guy down the block… you know the one; the ex-military red-neck survivalist who keeps stockpiles of canned food and weapons in his basement bunker.

When gathering supplies, travel in groups of at least 2 or 3 people… and preferably make sure you are always grouped up with someone who is a bit out of shape and slower than you. This ensures that he will be eaten before you if zombies take chase, which can buy you some valuable time.

Finally, remember that if you’re best friend gets bitten, blow his head off or crush his skull right away! Don’t be stupid.

We hope this special report will help you live through an attack of the living dead. Train Smart and Stay Strong.

Josh Hewett is the founder of Team Barbarian, a group dedicated to serious, real-life strength and conditioning training methods. Watch his short video demonstrating the four exercises for surviving a zombie attack.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Josh_Hewett
http://EzineArticles.com/?Emergency-Survival-Tips—Get-Prepared-for-a-Zombie-Attack&id=7321221

 

 

Be a Zombie

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How would you like to become a zombie like me?

Check out my before and after photos.

As you can obviously see, I was once a living, breathing human (and, quite handsome I do say) just like you, until one day when I was bitten by another zombie.  That’s a story for another post.

You can be a zombie, too.

There are two ways:

1. You can give me your address and a I will come over and chew on your arm, leg, face, or whatever looks tasty.

2. Or, you can send me your photo (headshot only) and I will turn it into a professional zombie photo for you.

My services aren’t free, though.  Even zombies have to make a living somehow.  Since they won’t let me work at Wal-Mart, I have to survive on internet sales.  (Discrimination lawsuit is pending)

For just $20 I will:

  • turn your photo into a zombie headshot
  • send you the file in high quality format

For another $10 I will write a short zombie story about you and include you as one of my friends in the blog.

Here’s how it works:

Purchase your items securely through Paypal by using the link below:

ZOMBIE HEADSHOT ONLY – $20

ZOMBIE HEADSHOT AND STORY – $30

When your payment is received, I will send you a link to submit your photo.

Please make sure that you make your payment using the email address you want me to send the link to (like DUH!).

Welcome to my zombie family and thank you for your support,

Tyler

The Walking Dead app

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Have you seen the show ‘The Walking Dead’ yet?

Well, personally I don’t think it’s that funny.  I mean it shows all of my friends being killed (again) by these pathetic people attempting to avoid the unavoidable.  Luckily a few are turned into fellow zombies by my friends as well.  Sometimes we get to chow down on a nice plump one (buffet), but that’s getting off the subject.

And, now there is an app you can get in iTunes based on the show.  It shows you how to shoot zombies.  That really ticks me off!

I am officially asking all my followers to boycott the show, the game, and the app.  All my fellow zombies agree that it doesn’t present us in a favorable light and even though we are slowly winning the war, it gives people hope.  That can be very dangerous.

The end is inevitable.  People should just lay down and prepare to become lunch (or dinner).  It would save us all so much time and trouble.

Zombies like pets, too!

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Zombie Tyler, here again.

Winter is coming and that means that people will be staying inside more.  I really hate that.  It cuts down on my food supply.

Sometimes when I get a little hungry and depressed I can find a stray cat or dog to chew on.  It’s not that bad.  Tastes like chicken.

So, finally, my EX-friend, Mr. Security, has a product I can agree with.  It’s this pet blinker thingy that you attach to your pet’s collar.  I like it because my vision isn’t so good at night anymore since I have only one good eye left.

Well, anyway, when people attach these blinking lights to their dog’s or cat’s collar it is supposed to make it easier for cars to see them at night.  It blinks on and off in a bunch of different colors and looks really cool.

Ok, so there are pros and cons to this.  When the cars can’t see your pet and run them over it makes it easier for me to grab a quick snack on some roadkill or even a distraught motorist!!!  Bonus points for me.  The con is that these blinking lights make it easier for cars to avoid hitting your pet, but they also make it easier for me to see them at night.  That makes hunting a little better with my one good eye.  Pros and cons all around.  In the end, if everybody had one of these pet blinkers on their dog or cat it wouldn’t wreck my day.  Now, if all the owners had one on when they were out at night, that would really do it for me.

So, here is my advice…buy two of these thingys, one for you and one for your dog.  It will keep you from getting hit by cars.  Spend a lot of time walking your pet at night, especially when its really dark.

Hey, I’m just saying…do a hungry zombie a favor.

Zombie tip of the Day: The Pros and Cons of Living in rural areas and the cities

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Living in Rural areas:

The benefits of living in small towns and farm areas are smaller zombie population, higher chance of finding hunting equipment, and areas to grow crops in relative safety. Farm Country does not have the high numbers of people like the big cities, which allows fewer people to become infected. Many people in these areas hunt so they would most likely have a hunting rifle or shotgun, and there’ll be lots of gun shops with ammo. With the few zombies in the area and expanse fields and woods, rural places provide a place to settle down and make a farm to keep fed.

The disadvantages would be low supply of readily made food and other supplies that could be greatly depleted in short time, more people would have survived because of guns and ammo and maybe hostile,